Capitalism Almost Overtakes Nicotine as the Worlds Top Legal Drug

What began as casual experimentation between a group of consenting adult men has grown into an addictive economic system that according to 33% of French people, “needs to be abandoned.”

“How dare they (the French) speak ill of our spend forward, unsustainable lifestyle creating economy! We buy 5.8% of their crap every year!” said a president south of Canada.

A fearful group from the United States composed of older white men with Ivy League educations, offshore trust funds and ties to the financial industry, have decided to bring in an expert in the signs of drug addiction to refute the People of France.

Dr. Goldstein put the French claim to the test as she ran Capitalism through the Mayo Clinic signs and behaviors list of those addicted to drugs.

“Americans using Capitalism would show the signs of drug addiction if Capitalism was an addictive drug,” stated the doctor from a Capitalist country.

- Regular need to use Capitalism.
(consumer debt)
- Unable to stop using Capitalism.
(consumer debt)
- Need to maintain a supply of Capitalism.
(install a ‘Democratic’ government… anywhere there is oil, or is close to oil)
- Spending money on Capitalism even though you cannot afford it.
(-$14 trillion)
- Doing things to get Capitalism that you normally would not do.
(Middle East, Middle East & Middle East)
- Needing Capitalism to deal with your problems.
(NATO)
- Pursuing risky behavior while under the influence of Capitalism.
(take your pick, Drill Baby Drill to Operation Iraqi Freedom, aka missing WMD)
- Spending greater amounts of time & energy obtaining & using Capitalism
(increasing avg. work week – 46 hours)

After a thorough investigation and intense analysis, Dr. Goldstein’s findings and final statement refute the claim that Capitalism is a drug.

"Due to the evidence that Americans and the government of the United States, show no symptoms associated with drug addiction, my conclusion is that Capitalism is not a drug and should not be regulated."

Consumer spending rose shortly after her report. Economists credit the rise in beverage imports from France as they shot up 22% on the news that the People of France were wrong.